I find myself telling a lot of women how skinny they look lately...is it a new diet I'm not keyed in to? Is it the fact that Summer is coming in a few months and they're all shedding a few pounds? Is that new class at the gym really making these women who used to be bigger than me shrink each week that I see them?
Oh wait, it's just that I'm getting bigger and bigger and everyone else looks ity-bity compared to my cankle-legged, sausage fingered, oompa loompa'd self. Oh, the end is near...I'm almost to my delivery weight...which has been the exact number (highly confidential) for all my children. So let's not try and break any records with this one, eh?
Sometimes I can feel my thighs touching as I walk. It's not a good feeling for me. It reminds me of a time in college when I was reaching my highest weight (not my loveliest time of life) and I was walking to campus and felt this awful feeling of my thighs rubbing together so much that I almost cried the whole way to class. Luckily, I was relieved to realize that my extra long scarf I was wearing had got caught in between my legs and was causing that extra stuffiness down there...kind of weird that I couldn't tell I had a scarf between my legs, but hey, it was really cold and I was wearing a coat that covered it. My walk home had a lot less friction. I have not been wearing scarfs lately so I know what's causing the friction this time...oh she better be a big eater cause Momma's gonna have a lot to take off.
Wow. Is this really what I'm blogging about? I get a little obsessed about weight. 10 years ago I was one of those really annoying girls who complained about how "fat" I was all the time and I know I become that same girl while I'm pregnant. I'm not proud of it and wish that I was less of a complainer...but I'm not. So this is what I write about at 11:30 at night.
What I should be saying is how excited I am to be having a baby in a few weeks. How I love sitting down when the boys go to sleep and it's just me and my baby inside me and I stare down at my stomach in amazement as it takes on wild shapes as she moves around for me. It's like she knows she has my full attention and she's ready to perform. The feeling of having another life inside of you is the coolest thing ever and something I will miss when she's not there anymore. It's very likely she is my last and the thought that these last weeks will be the last time I'll know this feeling is almost a mournful thing for me. As much as I dislike a lot of the changes in my body while being pregnant, it is all worth it to feel the kicks of a child you know nothing about yet and the mystery of who they will be and begin this connection with them.
I really can't wait to meet this little girl.
(However, I was totally convinced the other night, when I couldn't sleep, that this child for sure was a hermaphrodite because there was no way I was really going to have a girl, but if both ultrasounds didn't show a penis, then obviously it was a hermaphrodite, and then how do we decide what to raise it as? Boy or Girl? It was a very stressful thought which somehow led to my next thought that kept me up for another 45 minutes--how do snakes mate?)
Obviously I have become completely irrational and this pregnancy is skewing my perspective on life right now. And really how many dreams can you have about your baby coming out prematurely and you trying to stuff it back in? It is the weirdest dream and she always comes out looking at least 4 months old, yet she's premature. Go figure.
Really? Am I going to push "publish?"
Yes. I. Am.